


A Crumbling Composure

by orphan_account



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Human AU, I am once again torturing my boi, I suppose?, Panic Attack, Sad boi hours, Some implied logicality at the beginning, Suppressing emotions, Swearing, and they sure as hell don’t make sense it this, breakdown - Freeform, fell in love with erase me, got some awesome songs on it, have you listened to his playlist?, i am sorry but I live off angst and Logan is prime angst real estate, i did while writing this, listen emotions don’t make sense to me, they don’t make sense to logan, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:46:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26323609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Logan was reading fiction for the first time in forever. He got invested, he got distracted, he forgot to mind himself, and years of bad habits caught up to him again.
Kudos: 17





	A Crumbling Composure

**Author's Note:**

> Listen this is very poorly written. I was rushing it, it doesn’t make much sense. It’s just a vent fic anyway.
> 
> Tw: Panic attacks, harsh language, Maybe self deprecative thoughts?

Logan prefered nonfiction. He avoided fiction when he could, save for the classics he couldn’t pass up purely on principle. _~~(He loved fiction, he adored reading stories woven from nothing but imagination.)~~_

He had visited the library earlier that day to return the book he checked out for a project in one of his classes, exchanging it for an astronomy encyclopedia that caught his interest. It was then that the librarian—Patton, he introduced himself as—struck up a conversation. _~~(Logan was more than happy to talk to him. The librarian was~~_ _~~cute.)~~ _

The conversation turned when Patton asked him about his favorite fictional story. Logan gave a quick synopsis of a few of the classics he had more enjoyed reading, and the librarian almost jumped at the opportunity to recommend a much lesser known book he thought Logan might enjoy. 

He didn’t know why he agreed to read it. He tended to avoid fiction on principle. _~~(Patton looked excited to talk to him about it whenever he visited the library again.)~~_ Logan was caught up on his assignments, so he began to read it that afternoon. 

Logan was almost immediately sucked into the story, becoming nigh obsessed with the characters in a way he hadn’t before. ~~_(He had, back in high school, when he read fantasy books like he needed them to live.)_~~ It was late before he even realized he had lost track of time, much later than he normally allowed himself to stay awake. 

Perhaps that was where he went wrong. 

He knew he grew more… volatile in the later hours. There was already a restless feeling in his chest as he thought over what had happened so far in the story. Logan wanted to run his fingers through his hair, pace around his room, ramble about the plot. He wanted to _move,_ he wanted to curl up in his blankets, he wanted to dig his fingers into his palms, to paint pictures with his hands as he talked about anything and everything under the sun. ~~_(He was excited, he was anxious, he was irritated.)_~~

He didn’t know _what_ he wanted, but he knew it was _something_.

Logan schooled his features, ignoring the thrumming sensation against his ribs. It was late. What he _needed_ was to go to bed.

He began to run through his night routine, pointedly shoving aside that odd energy that wouldn’t fade. ~~_(Odd energy? You’re not dumb, you know what normally happens when you get_~~ ~~_invested .)_ ~~

It wasn’t until he got in the shower that Logan noticed he had started to hyperventilate. Emotions were surging in his chest, ones he had spent so much time suppressing and ignoring. ~~_(He knew suppression was unhealthy, knew that it caused extreme aggression and episodes like this, where becoming emotionally invested in something drew them all back up, but he still did it. Appearances were always more important than his mental health.)_~~

Logan let out a shuddering breath. Tears were welling up in his eyes, pressure resting on his chest. He was shaking, fingers digging into his arms as he tried to school his breathing. _In for four, hold for seven, out for eight._

A stream of half coherent thoughts flooded through his head, charged with emotion and so purely _illogical_. He tried to get it to stop, get the thoughts to end, get his mind to shut up, but it wasn’t working.

_Stop being you dramatic, you idiot. You’re fine. You’re just doing this for attention. Calm down. ~~(How can it be a ploy for attention if nobody else knows?)~~ _

The water was too hot, his breaths too shallow, his thoughts too panicked. He was shaking.

_You have a problem. A real problem. This isn’t healthy. You shouldn’t be suppressing your emotions. This happens, this keeps happening—_

“Shut up,” Logan whispered to himself, his voice hoarse.

_You’re closing yourself off, it isn’t good for you. You can’t handle emotional intimacy because you keep doing this, you’re going to push everyone away—_

“Shut up.” He was louder this time, his voice unsteady.

_You won’t have any more friends if you keep doing this. You don’t have any friends because you do this—_

“Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up, _shut up_!” His voice was cracking, his fingers tangling in his hair, tugging at the follicles.

_You’re too closed off to have any sort of lasting bond. You’re going to end up all alone because you can’t accept that you have emotions—_

A loud sob wracked his body, the pain lacing through his scalp wrenching him from the train of thought. 

Logan froze, forcing his breathing to return to normal. Pulling himself back to his feet, he shoved the tangled mess of emotion aside. He was fine. ~~_(You’re not fine, this is going to happen again.)_~~

He was _fine_.

Logan combed his wet hair back with one hand, feeling a sudden wave of fatigue crash over him.

It was late. He should go to bed.

He’d just have to tell Patton he couldn’t finish the book. ~~_(As Much as he longed to lose himself in that world again, he couldn’t handle his grip on himself slipping.)_~~

He’d be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I’ve kinda got ideas for an AU that sprung up around this idea, you guys let me know if you’d be interested? It’d be a logicality fic, either friends to lovers or unrequited. With angst of course


End file.
